The planet Saturn is surrounded by its famous rings, which are comprised of cosmic debris. The particles of ice and rock within the rings are trapped by the gravitational force of Saturn, but are too close to the planet to form a moon. This is because matter falls within Saturn’s Roche limit: this is an area within which planetary tidal forces are so strong that it prevents any other substantial bodies from forming. England’s ‘target-man’ Emile Heskey performs a similar role for England. The purpose of a target-man such as Heskey is to hold the ball up and occupy the defence so that other attacking players can find space. His physical presence means that the defence is ensnared by his gravitational force. The defenders cannot become substantial entities in their own right as they are demolished by the sturdy bustle of the forward: the defenders are thus fragments, stuck in a helpless orbit within Heskey’s Roche limit. Heskey’s teammates thus have space to navigate through defensive debris as attacking moves develop.
A smaller forward like Jermain Defoe can be paired with the target-man. This striker, with lower mass, would be caught within the gravitational force of the larger attacking body (but outside the Roche limit) and can therefore be considered a moon. However, Capello usually plays Wayne Rooney as a support-striker with a Saturn-like target-man. Rooney’s orbit around the centre-forward is broader and less regular than that of the moon-like goal-poacher, as Rooney can drop deep and wide in search of space. But the mass of the centre-forward still draws Rooney into all-important central attacking positions. The sweeping elliptical orbit of Rooney means that he is comparable to a comet. Pairing Rooney with Defoe doesn’t really work, as moon/comet isn’t a workable combination.
Fabio Capello also likes to field a balanced central-midfield, with Gareth Barry and Frank Lampard offering a secure pairing. Whilst Barry tends to sit the deeper of the two, the distinction is not significant. Under previous coach Steve McClaren, the aspiration had been to play a 4-1-3-2 variant of 4-4-2 with a solid defensive-midfielder like Owen Hargreaves behind a rangy attacking-midfielder like Steven Gerrard. The attacking-midfielder is the locus of the team and can be compared to Jupiter, i.e. a vast gaseous planet with a rapid rotational cycle. The defensive midfielder is like Mercury, a rocky planet with a much steadier rotational period. The problem with this approach is that the gravitational centre of midfield inheres in one player – Jupiter.
A more balanced team-oriented approach is bequeathed by the Barry/Lampard pairing as they are similar to the relationship between dwarf planet Pluto and its large moon Charon. As these two bodies are of similar size, they have a gravitational centre which is external to them both: this is known as a ‘barycentre’. Two smaller moons Hydra and Nix rotate around this barycentre. In balancing his central-midfield resources, Capello ensures that the side’s gravitational centre does not reside within one individual, but is an emergent and external team feature. This enables other players to orbit around a collaborative centre, rather than a single talismanic player. Wide-midfielder moons such as Stewart Downing (Hydra) and Theo Walcott (Nix) can therefore orbit around the barycentre predominantly generated by Lampard (Pluto) and Barry (Charon).
Dr Ted – has the BBC ever contacted you to replace Patrick Moore for the “Sky at Night” ?
No, but I’m led to believe that I’m lined up to replace Adrian Chiles on The One Show. The Beeb are yet to approach me directly however.
Poor old Adrian Chiles, I read that the Irish twit Colin Murray from Fighting Talk is about to replace him on MOTD 2. If they start all that “ding ding” “hallelujah” “boing boing” nonsense on MOTD 2 then I’ll start watching the South Bank Show instead – and I bloody hate poetry and Jarvis Cocker!