My friend Dr Giles actually has a real doctorate – he obtained a PhD in Physics from the University of Exeter. Exclusively for WCC, Dr Giles outlines how the findings from his studies could boost England’s performance in South Africa.
What was the title of your PhD?
Compressibility Study of Single- and Double-Layer Two-Dimensional Systems.
What were the key findings?
The metal-to-insulator transition in two-dimensional systems is a fraud. This “new transition” was nothing of the sort, but was in fact an effect that could be described by old classical physics. There was no need to reinvent the wheel in order to explain it.
How might these findings inform Fabio Capello’s England plans?
Old methods work. There may be many permutations, but at its core football is a simple game, so it should be treated simply. No matter how novel another team’s tactics may appear, it is still just 11 men versus 11 men.
Which of the four fundamental forces (gravity, electromagnetism, weak nuclear, strong nuclear) best represents the England national team?
Gravity. The old man of the four has been around a long time and while it may no longer be considered the strongest of the four, it’s the most famous and its pull is felt the furthest. Also, the hammering handed out to England by the great Hungarian side of the 1950s caused a change in the national understanding of football as fundamental as that caused to gravity by Einstein’s theory of relativity – England discovered that football was a little more complex than was once thought. It may just be 11 men versus 11 men, but sometimes novel tactics can subvert the prevailing paradigm!
How might the endeavour to reconcile quantum mechanics with general relativity help to solve the Gerrard/Lampard conundrum?
In physics string theory is a developing field which aims to reconcile quantum mechanics and general relativity into a quantum theory of gravity. It’s remarkably difficult to comprehend and requires at least 11 dimensions compared to the 4 dimensions we are familiar with (time plus the three spatial dimensions). String theory’s abstractness and untestable nature has caused many physicists to refer to it as “not even wrong”. In football, string theory rests on the even less credible hypothesis that the England midfield is able to string a few passes together.
Physics is concerned with matter, energy, motion and force – so what can it tell us about penalty kicks?
- Classical physics describes how to strike the ball with the optimum direction, power and swerve.
- Quantum physics calculates the probability of the ball finishing in the goal.
- Relativity explains why, during penalty shoot-outs, time slows to a standstill.
Dr Ted – I thought that I was your only friend with a PhD, now it turns out that you have three! Have you been hanging out in the student union bar recently?
If England are compressed by their opposition into playing a one-dimensional game, they should bring on Peter Crouch. Pundits are always saying he adds an extra dimension to England’s attack, so could be just the man they need. Hopefully he won’t break like a non-newtonian fluid when the pressure’s on!
I think it would be interesting to see what the effects are of interactions and disorder on the compressibility of two-dimensional electron and hole systems. F-Cap has dabbled with hole systems in the past with little success in my opinion.
This Dr Giles fellow sounds like an interesting chap.