The Catalytic Synthesis of Phosphines

My friend Dr Colin actually has a real doctorate – he obtained a PhD in Organic Chemistry from the University of Liverpool. Exclusively for WCC, Dr Colin offers some insight into how his research might assist England at World Cup 2010:

What was the title of your PhD?

The Catalytic Synthesis of Phosphines and their Applications in Catalysis

What were the key findings?

Phosphines can be synthesised catalytically, and can be applied in catalysis.

How might these findings inform Fabio Capello’s England plans?

Although this research has had a dramatic impact on science, to improve the England team we really need to re-examine the first principles of catalysis. The term “catalyst” is a metaphor often used incorrectly to describe the importance of certain players to certain teams, e.g. Gerrard at Liverpool. A common misunderstanding amongst commentators is that catalysts make the reaction happen, i.e. the reaction would not otherwise proceed without the presence of the catalyst. This is incorrect. The reaction would eventually proceed, it is just that catalysts can provide an alternative route, involving a lower activation energy, for the reaction to proceed quicker. Therefore Gerrard is clearly not a catalyst at Liverpool, as they would be completely stuffed without him. Therefore who should Capello look to as a genuine catalyst to increase England’s prospects at the World Cup? It should be taken into account that the catalyst itself remains chemically unchanged at the end of a reaction. In this respect he should definitely consider Gareth Barry, who has remained chemically unchanged since his first appearance for Villa in 1997.

Chemistry is concerned with composition, behaviour, structure, and properties of matter – but can it explain how best to accommodate Steven Gerrard and Frank Lampard in the same team?

The answer is unfortunately no. The nucleus of any good team is made up of protons, neutrons and electrons. In the England team Steven Gerrard and Frank Lampard are obviously electrons, as they lack any positional sense. Wolfgang Pauli discovered as far back as 1924 that the structure of an atom could be explained by a set of four parameters that defined every quantum energy state, as long as each state was inhabited by no more than a single electron, an observation lost on Steve McClaren. However, as electrons are identical particles that cannot be distinguished from each other by their intrinsic physical properties is it really necessary to play Gerrard and Lampard together in the same team? Scientists at Liverpool John Moores University are currently examining the use of the Heisenberg uncertainty principle, which states that a single electron can be in two places at the same time due to its wave–particle duality, to allow Gerrard a roaming role alongside a defensive midfielder whilst creating more space for Rooney to drop into deeper positions.

Please suggest a chemical that best represents the England side.

There is definitely a lot of potassium nitroso borosulfide (K₃N₂O₂B₃S₄) in the current team.

One Response to “The Catalytic Synthesis of Phosphines”

1. The Sound of Shoelaces says:

   March 5, 2010 at 1:49 pm

   I think a lot of England players wouldn’t be able to tell their Arsenic from their Elbonium.