Zoological psychologists at WCC have been undertaking research which they believe will illuminate the natural workings of football.
In simple neurological terms the human brain can be divided into three distinct parts: the reptilian part of the brain which is concerned with basic survival responses; the limbic area of the brain (associated with mammals) which is concerned with emotional responses; and the neocortex (highly developed in humans) which is concerned with advanced functions of thought such as abstract reasoning and language.
Contemporary football is predominantly an outcome of the workings of the brain generated by the neocortex. For example, games are understood via abstract formations, tactical frameworks and convoluted debate. It therefore seems that the natural principles which must underpin football have been lost beneath a mound of complex verbiage. We are hopeful that our studies will be able to emancipate the more basic animal aspects of sporting pursuits, which should then enable greater emotional [limbic] connectivity between team members.
WCC is therefore setting up games of football between dogs so that we can establish how mammals, relatively unencumbered with neocortexical baggage, might formulate an approach to the game. The dogs are not troubled with team talks, ProZone analysis or interactive chalkboards – 22 of them are simply placed on a pitch with a ball and left to it. Admittedly, to date, we have no empirical data of value as the dogs basically just do their own thing: some just wander off, a few fight a bit, whilst others play with the ball sporadically. But nothing has actually happened as yet which suggests that a recognizable game of football is imminent. To be fair though, I saw a couple of League Two games a while back and they weren’t much different.
We intend to persist with our experiments and are certain that discernible patterns of play between the dogs will eventually emerge. The following stage of the project will focus on how reptiles play football so we can begin to understand how the most basic parts of the animal brain align with techniques and tactics. The size of the pitch might need to be reduced a little though, as tortoises are renowned for being quite slow. For now though we are committed to uncovering how the distinctly mammalian brain relates to football. If we find the answer to that, it would be the ultimate triumph of human reason – for then we would know the mind of dog.